I curl up beneath a blanket and sink deep into myself, into my womb, where in the very same position as me, curled into a little ball, there is a baby with whom I have been connected from the moment of her presence. With my attention, I touch the silken little body that is tenderly immersed within my body, and we talk. We spin a conversation that only the two of us understand, on many levels of deep mutuality, and I stroke, through my belly, the little body in which life has blown out its sparkle, and quiet tears flow down my face.
My little girl, Jasmínka, as I have called her from the very first moment she “is”, has been without life for several days, and we are both preparing for the moment of meeting face to face, so that soon after, we may say goodbye. For several days, which merge into infinity, we say farewell, we paint pictures, we talk. Even though the life force has fallen silent, I feel her beautiful Soul overflowing with Light, which brings me a comfort I cannot describe in words. Her beautiful rays touch me, we speak to each other movingly in deep understanding, we are interwoven and still connected. It gives me peace and reconciliation. I feel an all-transcending and immortal love that is “alive” and is, in this moment, a relief and hope to me.
I tell her about her siblings, the world, life, and myself. I tell her that for several weeks I lovingly created a home for her, and when she is ready, we will walk together along a path at the end of which we will meet. I tell her that I am, and forever will be, her mother, and she my third child. I stroke her through my belly, flood her with love and tenderness, and enormous tears flow from me, soaking the pillows beneath me completely. For several long days, from the moment her life went out, it is as though time dissolved into an endless emptiness of pain, which is more or less bearable.
I have surrendered to the natural course of her departure with trust and humility, and I perceive that our bodies, guided by the wisdom of nature, “know” absolutely perfectly what they are to do. I feel that no external intervention or influence is needed, and apart from consciously living through this painful time and drinking herbs, I allow the events to unfold with reverence. With humility, I honour the temple of my body and the hushed life it embraces, and with respect for myself and for Jasmine, I live through this time together with her. The Time of Farewell.
I know that when she is ready, she will leave the warm world of my womb, which will caress her one last time and let her go with love. In fact, I cannot even imagine it being otherwise, or that I would hand over to doctors the work that is mine and mine alone. It feels completely natural and normal to me that I am experiencing it precisely in this way. The silent little body without life has been inside me for about a week, and I do not feel that I should urge its departure. I am no heroine at all; I am shaken by the deepest pain I have ever felt. The cruellest loss of life. At times, I feel as though bottomless wells of immense grief are flowing through me. After endless hours of crying and mourning, peace comes, silence, acceptance, relief, reconciliation…
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We say goodbye as an entire family, and my wonderful husband is an immense support to me. Two-year-old Vojtíšek is touchingly empathetic and vigilantly present in the events we are in. He experiences the whole situation sensitively and naturally, and I am grateful to him. At the same time, I experience what masters children are, and how naturally they perceive everything that comes within the family as a normal part of it. How foolishly we tend to think that they are immature, how much we must teach them, or even, in the mistaken belief that we are “protecting” them, lie to them, while they know much more than adults do. There is no need to adjust what is a truthful part of the lives and the family in which they live. In words that Vojtíšek can understand, I explain to him what is happening, and I feel how it gives him clarity, peace, and a sense of his role and importance in the whole story.
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For several days and nights, waves flow through my body that are very similar to birth waves; they take hold of it, grow stronger, and then weaken again. I feel how they work through me and at the same time bring much supportive strength of Mother Earth. For several days, I consciously work with the waves, with the physical and inner pain, and as I say goodbye to the baby, I feel ever greater calm, peace, and reconciliation. I am anchored in trust, and that is immensely liberating for me, and even though physically nothing is yet happening, I realize that, like everything we allow to take its natural course, it first happens imperceptibly, which means from the inside out. I do not tell my little girl that she “should go already”; there is nowhere to hurry, and I feel that she herself knows much better when the right time will come. I say goodbye and quietly, devotedly, I wait…
I am drawing closer to the moment of our meeting; I look forward to it and at the same time live through feelings that cannot be communicated. I continue to help my body by drinking herbal teas, with gentle massages of the lower abdomen, and warm compresses that strengthen it. And the whole process is observed from afar by my wonderful, empathetic doctor, with whom I consulted by phone. We agreed that if anything seemed not right to me, I could come at any time, and when I reached the end of this period, I would come so that she could check my womb to see whether everything had left. She resonates with me that, if I feel it this way, there is no reason to intervene, and I am grateful for who she is.
From the moment I have been pregnant, and in fact even before that, I have been interwoven with the flowing energies of the strength, peace, nourishment, warmth, and support of Mother Earth. I perceive the pulsating core of the Earth, which gives me absolutely everything I need. From the moments when Jasmínka’s Life stopped working, I feel how they soothe my pain and give me strength.
It is evening. I light candles, I talk to my little girl, and I feel that she is saying goodbye to the cradle of my body. We paint the last picture together, and I fall asleep. During sleep, the energies of Mother Earth pour into me and give me strength, comfort, hope. She cares for me like a loving mother cares for her child, and tenderly opens through me the path for the baby. Warm sparks of continuously flowing support stream into me, filling the painful places in my body and Soul. I realize that without this true support, I would not be able to manage it at all, and I am grateful for this connection.
In the morning, the whole world is veiled in the gloom of All Souls’ weather, and waves pulse through me, opening the way for the hushed little body. This is how it is all day. In the afternoon, I go for a walk with Vojtíšek and my husband, where the waves awaken dynamically, and I feel that I need to return home.
I perceive how the pulsating waves tenderly guide the child out of my body, and at the moment when we open the door, my body pours out a great amount of blood. Little streams of blood flow from me without ceasing, the tears of my womb saying goodbye to the baby. The amount of blood is great, yet it does not alarm me, and I feel that it is all right. I am calm, reconciled, and I feel relief.
I go to the bathroom and, in peace and trust, allow my body to work as it needs to. I am fully immersed in Presence, as though time had stopped. I feel immensely powerful eruptions of geysers of the energies of the whole Universe flowing through me, deeply connected with my body and at the same time spread out in all that exists, and I give birth. Filled with reverence, humility, and love, immersed in the event, I am the path to Earth for our dead baby, who is about thirteen weeks old.
In a few moments she slips out of me in firm fetal membranes, and although she fits into the palm of my hand, she looks like a real human being. A fragile little curled-up body, with tiny arms and legs bearing the faint beginnings of little fingers and toes, a tiny head with little beads where the eyes are, a very short umbilical cord attached to a placenta the size of a larger strawberry. Our beautiful Jasmine, with a reconciled expression on her little face, as I will remember it forever. I cry. Immensely.
She shines with such immense love that it completely engulfs me. Her mission for our whole family, through which, by her brief presence, she gave us and in truth will forever give us living, loving unconditionality, is transcendent. I gaze at the fragile, delicate little body and helplessly burst into tears. I long to know how to move time and destiny.
My husband comes, and with trembling hands I give him our little girl. He cries and says goodbye to her. I look at my empty hands and realize that the handmade ring with a ruby, shining on me, was something I ordered soon after I became pregnant, so that it would support me through the blessed time and the home birth. It did. Differently than I had thought, but it did, I realize, and I thank that crystal.
I take a deep breath, rise to my feet, covered in blood, and feel the strength into which I am standing.
I paint a picture in which I express all my feelings and emotions. At times I create it filled with peace, and soon after, the depths of sadness and despair take hold of me. Emotions alternate within me and burst forth like thundering waves. The picture is finished. It is saturated with an immensely powerful message, expressing my entire inner world beyond words. I know that the child knows it and knows…
Together with the Baby, we place the picture into a silk, deep red box, which my husband and I fill with flower petals and small things, so that she will not be alone. Tears flow quietly, with them comes relief and further waves of reconciliation.
The raw late afternoon wraps us in darkness, the Earth is moist and smells of autumn. In the place I have chosen, my husband slowly digs a little grave. I feel that the deeper he penetrates the Earth, the more fragrance she releases to us from her depths, as though she wanted to comfort us, and everything pours out of me as if I had been turned completely upside down. I look at the clumpy soil, into the dark Earth, listen to the sharp sound of the spade, and watch the rolling clods of earth. Not far from us, Vojtíšek is playing; we have told him that we are going to make a little grave for the Baby.
My husband lays down the spade, and together we place into the Earth the red box with our little girl, who shines within it like a Treasure. I look at the treasure of my heart, gently stroke the box, quietly say goodbye, and cry. I say goodbye and at the same time ask her to come again. This thought brings me comfort in this moment. Slowly we cover her with moist soil, until she completely disappears into the dark embrace of Mother Earth.
My husband lights a candle in a white lantern, its little flame glowing gently and silently comforting our aching hearts.
The raw darkness has enveloped us, our faces wet with tears gaze endlessly into the flame of the candle, and with reverence and gratitude we say goodbye to our little girl and thank the Earth for receiving her. I watch the trembling light of the candle and at the same time hear voices speaking from the Earth and the Soul of our little girl, voices only I can hear.
My husband, as though he “knows”, slowly leaves, taking Vojtíšek with him, and they leave me alone. With my whole being, with my whole heart, I say goodbye to my child. It is deep, unending, impossible to communicate. Heavy, and at the same time immensely beautiful, loving. In the evening, Vojtíšek strokes my empty belly and together we say a little prayer for the baby.
Day after day, I go to the place where our little girl rests, and not only in these moments, but constantly, I experience how the whole process is still happening and is far from over. For many, many days, we pass through saying goodbye to the baby, and I experience it emotionally, physically, and spiritually, absolutely and wholly immersed in the event. There are moments in which relief, hope, and peace are present, and moments in which there is again much sadness, pain, and hurt.
My womb is still crying and aching, and I feel that this is all right and a natural part of a natural miscarriage into which there was no intervention. It too needs time to recover, and I give it that. For now, I feel no need to go to my doctor for the agreed ultrasound, and I trust my body. I do not doubt that it knows how to take care of itself and is working as best it can; I do not doubt that every woman’s body is perfectly equipped by nature for such a situation, and that if I give it enough time, peace, and patience, it will have from its powerful sources enough strength for recovery, regeneration, and gradual attunement back into whole health.
I do not doubt that the healing of my body depends on the healing of my Soul, and as sincerely as I can, I work on it. Meditations help me very much, and so does processing the experience in this way, automatic drawing, which I do as part of my healing rituals through which I guide myself. They strengthen me and also reveal to me many realizations, which I perceive humbly and follow. I realize that my womb is grieving just as my heart is, and I perceive the connections between my inner experience and how I feel physically. Once again, as many times in my life, I am seized by enormous awe, respect, and humility before the Universal order of all things, and I experience how absolutely everything resonates with everything.
I search within my inner world, I take inventory of my feelings, of what I truly feel, and sincerely, even though it is painful, I set aside everything that could prevent me from seeing the truth, and it seems that I am discovering the reasons why my body is holding some part of the baby. I feel that the most I can do now, I am doing, and everything I need, I have within myself. I am turned into my heart and, step by step, I am healing it. I care for my body through warm compresses, gentle massages, and I also allow myself to be cared for.
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I sink into my inner world and “release” everything that prevents “that” part of the child within me from leaving my body, from freely flowing away. With immense humility and hope, I ask Mother Earth for help and entrust myself to Her. I release the feelings, emotions, and all vibrations of myself that “hold” parts of the child in my body and visibly weaken it. For many days I work in this way, and with each day I feel physically and mentally better; the relieving and liberating feeling is always a little more intense, both within and in the body. The healing meditations I experience are an indescribable balm to me. They lighten me immensely, fill me with Light, peace, freedom, the pains disappear, and Life force spreads through me.
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The magical candles from my workshop are of immense help to me, truly immense. Every day my rituals are a little different, exactly as I feel intuitively, and long after they have ended, I leave many candles shining. Always for the child, myself, and Mother Earth, and each day a little differently for the angels, goddesses, the women of my lineage, but also all the women of the whole planet who have ever lost a child and their lived or unlived pains. For myself, I hold great and often never-ending women’s circles, in which an enormous community of diverse women is energetically connected. I have very deep, living experiences, the writing of which would be enough for an entire book.
Often, a kind energy coming from the little girl passes through me, embracing me with loving tenderness, and it is so real and alive that it cannot be described. I experience geysers of varied feelings: emotion, gratitude, love, and sadness all at once. On many levels I am healing, my Soul and body revive, and rays of Light penetrate the period of darkness. Hope blossoms through me.
A light still shines in the little lantern, its warmth as though seeping into the place where Jasmínka’s little room is in the Earth. I usually go to light it every evening, but often it has already been lit by my husband, and I am welcomed by a glow in which I am physically present for a few moments.
Slowly and gently, I rise again into my strength and firmness. Into the stability of the body and the harmony of the spirit. There is reconciliation and peace within me. Quiet acceptance and, perhaps this may sound inappropriate to someone, also harmony with the whole situation.
Reconciled, cleansed, grateful, and immensely humble, as though I had awakened my true essence of woman, which had until then been asleep. A great gratitude towards my body floods me, and I bow deeply to its strength and abilities. Admiration and pride for my whole Being fill me, and with love I realize “what” I have lived through. I feel healthy and strong reconciliation, which allows me not to suppress any occasional tremor of sadness that comes, but on the contrary supports me in experiencing it fully and consciously, exactly as it is.
I know and accept that the scar in my heart and body is a new part of me, my personal reality and experience, which have strengthened me incredibly and given me so much. The life of the beautiful bud, gentle beauty Jasmínka, has imprinted itself upon me unmistakably and will forever remain a part of me. Thanks to her, I am the one I am now. I realize that at any time the grief of the scars may resound through me again and again, and that is absolutely all right; it is not a sign of weakness or of not being healed, but the purest naturalness of Life.
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I realize that any scar Life has given us, whether on the body or the Soul, may from time to time long for the caressing care of our attention.
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I anchor myself into my strength without denying the truth that is my new personal part, and I am aware that this connects me to the natural intuitive, instinctive, and innate abilities of a woman.
I accept the truthful law of life: that it is real and completely natural that even the most beautifully healed scars of our stories on Earth will from time to time make themselves heard and known, and I do not want to erase this experience within myself. It is mine. It is as much mine as my daughter, for whom I will forever be a mother.
I do not long to turn back time and change destiny; I am in peace, silence, and humble acceptance, which is immensely liberating.
Of course, pain still sometimes rises through me, but it does not overpower me. It dissolves in my acceptance and reconciliation, and in its place, rays of deep love blossom through me, flowing to the other shore, to my little girl.
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Although it might seem that we did not fulfil our lives with one another, the opposite is true. We fulfilled them, beyond words, with absolutely everything, and Jasmínka is our radiant star in heaven.
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I went to my doctor for a check-up to confirm that everything was all right only at the end of the second month after Jasmine was born. Everything was all right; my body was holding nothing. The doctor shared the whole story with me humanly and with an open heart, and was sincerely interested in the entire course of the “natural miscarriage”, because she had not yet had experience with it and said she had never met such a courageous woman. I do not think I am courageous, but simply a completely normal woman who trusts in the power of life and of all that is…
Soon after, following the check-up and the resurrection of myself, I experienced an immensely beautiful conscious conception, which to this day awakens moving experiences in me, from which I began to write a diary.
My inner world is full of gentleness, and I am connected with the baby from the first tremor of its presence, while at the same time I feel Jasmínka from afar. I feel that someone else is coming. In a beautiful interweaving with the baby, to whom we have mutually opened ourselves, I give thanks for every moment of my blessing, and without the slightest doubt, I allow everything to unfold with trust, in the silence of my womb, with reverence. I do not long to influence anything, and I go to my doctor for confirmation of the pregnancy only at the end of the first trimester. Soon after, I contact a wonderful midwife, whose counselling I attend throughout the entire pregnancy. Of course, I tell her about the miscarriage, and she actively takes interest in the whole process.
Vojtíšek is very much looking forward to his sibling, and above all to when the baby will be born; they make little arrangements together about how everything will be. With Vojtíšek and the baby in my womb, one day when spring scents the air, we plant several radiant daffodils in the place where Jasmínka is buried.
Quiet tears flow from me and fall into the soil where SHE is.
I floated through the pregnancy like a goddess, and the birth waves of creation danced with me in the 42nd week. From the very beginning, I felt that SHE too was present; I perceived her powerful protection from the other shore.
A loving, radiant Force in a swarm of shining Light burst through the bathroom in which I gave birth, and where she too had come into the world. After several hours of beautiful experiences, in which time stood still in perfect cooperation between me and the baby, I gave birth to five-kilogram Maxík. His life lit up on All Souls’ Day, almost exactly one year from her birth. Our house was flooded with the Divine fluid of absolute ecstasy for all of us, and Vojtíšek was truly present at the moment of his birth. This moment changed my life, and within me the Goddess was born – radiant, beautiful, magical, strong, and all-powerful. Yet it would not have been this moment without all the colourful moments that came before…
With Love for You, Jasmínka,
Mommy
